50-Year-Old Matt Stairs Asks To Take One Swing In Padres Batting Practice, Promptly Hits 500-Foot Bomb

What a fucking boss. I’ve only got one swing — it’s an uppercut swing that puts baseballs into the 46th row of the bleachers.

I love Matt Stairs. What a national treasure this guy is, even though he’s Canadian. The man exemplifies what it means to be a professional hitter through and through. Perhaps most importantly, he was a professional hitter who never had to GET ready to hit — he simply just STAYED ready to hit. In case of emergency, use the Stairs indeed.

At 50 years young, now serving as the hitting coach for the San Diego Padres, we’ve got yet another example of why this man is the definition of a professional hitter. In other sports, there are positions that you can play, and play them well, just because of your physical stature. In baseball, the ability to hit is a God-given talent.

And when Matt Stairs was born in 1968, God put his hand on baby Matt’s forehead and said, “My Son, one day you will grow up and hit piss rockets for two decades in Major League Baseball, piss rockets that fans will be talking about until the sun explodes and wipes out any proof that the game of baseball ever existed, along with the entire human race.”

And that’s exactly what Matt did. This will forever be one of my favorite home runs of all-time: